Five Times Elizabeth Weir Touched Something Alien
by Delectable Sweetness
Summary: Five times Elizabeth Weir touched something alien.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own Stargate Atlantis or any of its characters. No copy infringement intended. However, I do own my own writing, my own characters and the plot to this story, Delectable Sweetness****.**

**Summary: Five times Elizabeth Weir touched something alien.**

**Author's Note: So this is going to be five chapters long… obviously. This first one is probably the most insane thing I've ever written, and it's not meant to be taken seriously. Elizabeth is OOC, her mood changes a lot and it's probably border-lining on a crack-fic, but it's meant to be humorous and fun, so throw logic to the wind and enjoy. :P**

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**One**

"Did you kill the unicorn?" John Sheppard looked at the woman standing in front of him, arms crossed, eyebrow arched, voice filled with accusation. He didn't answer, he couldn't. The question had left him speechless, which hadn't left her happy. "God damn it, John! I asked you a question, now answer me!" She yelled out.

"Elizabeth wha-" He didn't get the chance to finish.

"Did you kill the unicorn in my office?!" She screamed out, pointing towards her office. He looked around the gate room and then the control room, his eyes landing on Chuck. The technician just shrugged his shoulders and shook his head. He stepped forward and placed his hands against Elizabeth's arms and stared into her green eyes – they were dialated. "Well, did you?"

He shook his head as he tried to appease her until he could convince her to go see Carson. "No, I didn't."

Then, she burst into tears. He would have laughed at her reaction if he hadn't been so concerned.

"Oh my God, I'm leaking! John, I'm leaking!" She cried out, her fingers wiping at her tears.

"Okay, Elizabeth, we need to get you to see, Carson," he explained softly.

Her tears soon turned into giggles. "Look at the wraith," she said through her giggles.

Everyone, including John, unconsciously looked around the room. "What wraith?" He asked, beginning to question Elizabeth's sanity.

"He's dancing in a tutu." She was still giggling as she pointed towards the gate.

"That's it – you're gonna see Carson!" He exclaimed as he undid his tac-vest and handed that and his P.90 off to Teyla, wrapping an arm around Elizabeth's shoulders and turned her in the direction of the infirmary and began walking.

"John?" She asked her giggling ceasing.

"Yes Elizabeth?" He tried to keep the worry out of his tone.

"I think I'm a wizard, but-" She started sobbing again. "I didn't get my letter from Hogwarts – Why am I still leaking?!" She squeaked out.

She pulled out of his embrace with a gasp and ran towards a balcony, disappearing through the opened doors. He immediately followed her. "Elizabeth, wha-" He didn't get the chance to finish asking her what the hell was going on before she cut him off.

"What's that?" She asked in exclamation, pointing towards the ocean.

"That's the ocean," he replied patiently.

She looked at him with wide eyes. _"The ocean?"_

He had to hold back a small chuckle at her amazement. "Yes," he replied, gently steering her back towards the hall they had come from.

"John – stop!" She suddenly cried out, holding her arm out in front of him to stop him from walking.

"What?" He swallowed a little hard.

"Don't step in the unicorn poop," she gently chided.

"Unicorn poop?"

"Yes, if you get it on your boots the evil fairies will steal them," she pointed out as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"O – kay." He started scooting over, looking at her for conformation. She waved her hand to tell him to scoot over some more, so he did… then some more… and then some more. "That's a lot of crap," he pointed out as Elizabeth gave him the go-ahead to walk forward.

"Yes, unicorns are very messy," she agreed.

"I'll say," he muttered as he led her into a transporter. Once the doors slid shut, he pressed the dot for the area where the infirmary was situated. A light engulfed them and then the doors slid open.

Elizabeth gasped. "Was that magic? Are we in Hogwarts?" She questioned excitedly.

"No, we're in Atlantis." He silently thanked God that they were right outside the infirmary doors.

"Atlantis?"

"Uh-huh, and it flies, too," he pointed out.

"Flies? Oh no, Dumbledore is not gonna be happy about this – Nuh-uh." She shook her head as they walked into the infirmary.

"Dumbledore? What?"

"I was supposed to stay in my dorm-room. I'm gonna get in so much trouble."

He frowned a little. "I thought you didn't get your letter." It was definitely the wrong thing to say.

"I didn't get my letter?" She squeaked out, tears beginning to fall down her face. "How do I stop this leaking?" She cried out. He was thoroughly surprised when she reached out and grabbed his black t-shirt, burying her face in it. She started rubbing her face along it.

"Elizabeth don't-" He stopped short when she gathered his shirt in a bunch and blew her nose. He grimaced and called for Carson.

The Scottish doctor immediately came running towards them. "Colonel, what's the matter?" He asked, eyeing Elizabeth.

"There's something wrong with, Elizabeth," he explained as Elizabeth moved away from him.

"Wrong?"

"Yes – wrong! She keeps talking about unicorns, wraith and she thinks she's a wizard," he said as he watched Elizabeth dancing and singing around the infirmary.

"See?" He pointed out towards her.

"Aye, I can see that," Carson sighed. "Do ya think ya could help me get her onto a bed?"

John nodded. "Elizabeth?" He called out. The singing diplomat looked at him. "Elizabeth come here, I want to show you a unicorn."

Elizabeth immediately made her way over to him and linked her arm with his. "Where's the unicorn, John?" She asked excitedly.

"Right over here." He began leading her towards one of the infirmary beds.

"No, John – no!" She began tugging on his arm.

"Come on, Elizabeth, don't you want to see the unicorn?" He asked sweetly.

She shook her head. "That's not a unicorn – that's a wraith!" She cried out, trying to pull away from him.

"There's no wraith, Elizabeth!" He tried to sit her down on the bed.

"Don't you see it? He's eating my unicorn… John – stop him!" She begged.

John let go of her and ran his hands through his mussed up hair. How the hell was he going to stop something that wasn't even there?

Pinching the bridge of his nose, he walked towards the bed and balled his hand into a fist, reaching out and punching thin air. He looked to Elizabeth, who shook her head 'no.' He air-punched it again and again and then pretended to shove away the imaginary creature. He looked at her and she smiled. "It's gone," she breathed out in relief. He held out his hand, smiling when she took it. He gently pulled her towards the bed, a small sigh of relief escaping his lips as she willingly perched on top of it. "Stay with me?" She asked with a pout.

"Of course."

"John?"

"Yes?"

"Why is Carson dressed as a clown?"

He groaned.

This was going to be a long day.

**~xoXox~**

John walked into Elizabeth's office, grinning when the negotiator looked up and immediately blushed. "Colonel," she said curtly.

"Doctor!"

"What do you want, John?"

He collapsed down into the chair in front of her desk. "Just making sure you're not getting into trouble." His grin got bigger.

She glared at him. "I'm fine!"

"No unicorns? Tutu wearing wraith? Do you feel like bursting into song? And how did you stop that leaking?" He smirked when she threw her pen at him. Apparently, on Elizabeth's last mission, she had unintentionally ingested some pollen from the local plant life. After several days of being dormant in her system, she'd finally had a reaction to it and it had left her in a state that was similar to being high and with a very active imagination.

"You're never gonna let me live this down, are you?"

"Nope! By the way, you owe me a new shirt." The groan and subsequent thump made him start to laugh hysterically.

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**Author's Note: So what did you think? Insane, I know, but did it make you laugh a little or even smile? Also, John punching thin air was probably… weird, but oh well! :P**

**Review please. :)**


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note: That you all so much for the reviews. I'm so glad you liked the first one and I hope you like this one, too! :)**

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**Two**

John groaned and rolled onto his back when he heard something that sounded like his door chime going off. He just lay there for a few moments with his eyes still shut and listened out for another chime, but when he didn't hear anything he sighed and he rolled back onto his side. He figured it was just his half-asleep brain playing tricks on him while he had been sleeping peacefully.

He buried his face into his pillow when he heard it again and tried to ignore it. He yawned a little. He was so tired and it seemed his brain just didn't want to wake up, which was fine with him. He had ended up being cut off from the gate for three days on his latest mission and he was absolutely beat.

Just as he was beginning to doze off, the noise came again.

This time he opened his eyes and forced them to stay open no matter how much they wanted to close again. He rolled onto his back and reached over to his lamp and switched on the light. The bright light shone throughout the Atlantean room, causing him to squint against it. The sudden shock of light to his eyes caused them to hurt a little. He brought up his hands and tried to rub the sleep from them.

When he could stand the light, he threw his covers off of himself and sat up, yawning a little before moving to stand up. He was going to get to the bottom of this. Who the hell was waking him up at 02:30am? He began walking across his room floor, running his hands over his face. He licked his lips in the process. Damn! His mouth was so dry.

When he reached his door, he swiped his hand over the sensor and was greeted by the sight of a dishevelled looking Elizabeth. She was wearing a pair of tiny pyjama shorts and a rumpled string-vest top that hung dangerously low in the front. He couldn't help it. His hazel eyes stayed locked on her bosom for several moments before looking away, ashamed that he had been openly leering at his boss. He let his eyes scan back over her. She was in her bare feet; her toenails polished a hot red. Her brown curls were pulled back into a messy ponytail, loose strands falling down around her flushed face. Why was she so flushed looking?

He looked closely at her and noticed that her eyes were glassy – she'd been drinking. She'd either had Radek's special brew or the popular Anthosian hooch. He'd never seen her drunk before, but he could already tell that this was going to be an interesting night. He could smell the alcohol off of her and she was standing a foot away from him.

"Elizabeth, what are you doing here?" He asked, reaching out a hand and placing it against her arm.

"Shh," she grinned, leaning into him. "You don't want your neighbours to hear," she slurred loudly as she lunged at him and wrapped her arms around him tightly.

He stumbled back into his room, his hands gripping her waist as he steadied the both of them. "'Lizabeth," he exclaimed in surprise.

"I missed you," she breathed out.

John pulled back a little, grimacing at the stench of alcohol off of her breath. He'd often dreamt of having Elizabeth's body wrapped around his… under his, but not like this. He gently pried her off of him and moved to shut his door. Turning back around to face her, he found her sitting on the edge of his bed, legs crossed over one another. She was leaning forward slightly, giving him a perfect view down her top. She had to be doing it on purpose. She gave him a little grin and he immediately felt his entire body beginning to feel an involuntary rush of arousal. He cursed himself. This was not the time for that to happen!

"Don't move," he warned her gruffly, trying to get his body back under control. "I'm just gonna get you some water."

"Yes Colonel," she giggled out.

He sighed and rolled his eyes as he walked into his bathroom and picked the clean glass up off of the sink and filled it with water. He went back out to her and sat down on the edge of the bed beside her, handing her the glass. "Small sips," he said firmly.

She took a few sips and handed the glass back to him and he placed it on the ground. His breath caught in his throat when he felt her hand sliding up along his leg and her hot breath against his ear. "Wanna have some fun?" She sucked his earlobe into her mouth before trailing warm, wet kisses across his jawline. Crap! His common sense was beginning to slip, his mind screaming at him to make her stop.

"No," he forced out the word, pushing her away from him when her lips touched his. What the hell was wrong with him? Was he really going to take advantage of her when she was severely drunk and not in her right frame of mind? Hell no!

"Why not?" She asked frustrated.

"Because I said so!" He exclaimed. She pouted, but then a frown crossed her face. "What?" He asked worriedly.

"I think I'm gonna… throw… up." She clamped her hand over her mouth and stood up.

John stood up and followed after her. "Bathroom… bathroom," he called out, ushering her towards it. He did not want her to get sick on his floor. He did not fancy cleaning puke up tonight.

The bathroom door slid open and Elizabeth ran into it, collapsing down in front of the toilet and began heaving up the contents of her stomach. John knelt down beside her and began rubbing her back in soothing motions. He brushed some of her loose strands of hair away from her face as she continued to hurl into the porcelain bowl.

When she stopped, he stood up and moved over to the sink. He picked up a wash cloth and wet it, ringing it out before moving back to Elizabeth who was now resting against the bathtub. He knelt down in front of her and ran the washcloth across her mouth.

He couldn't help the smile that spread across his face. God, she was so beautiful. Even in the drunken state that she was in, she was still the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

She gave him a small smile as she opened her eyes halfway. "Thank yo-" She stopped abruptly and leaned back over the toilet bowl, vomiting once again. When she finished, he flushed the toilet and wiped her mouth again. He stood up and went back to the sink, rinsing out the washcloth. He rung it out and sat back down beside Elizabeth. He gently dabbed it along her face, trying to keep her cool. She was a little warm. He smiled a little when she rested her head against his shoulder. "I missed you," she sighed out. "You were gone for three whole days. I was afraid you wouldn't come back," she admitted in a mumble.

"I'm here now," he murmured, feeling a little happy that she had missed him, but he was also curious why she had drank so much tonight. "So, Radek's special brew or Anthosian hooch?"

"Anthosian wine," she muttered.

"And you drank it because…?" He asked curiously.

"Because you came back… and…" she yawned, "I realized how much I… I needed… you."

"Me?" He whispered, shocked.

"Mmm-hmm." She nodded her head against his shoulder and he was just about to ask another question when he heard soft snores coming from her. He smiled a little and pressed a kiss to the top of her head.

He doubted she would remember any of this in the morning.

**~xoXox~**

"John, why are you in my room?" Elizabeth groaned out, peeking over the top of his bedcovers.

"Actually you're in my room," he pointed out.

"What?" She gasped out, shooting up. She moaned and collapsed back against the pillows. "What happened? I feel like I've been hit with a wraith stunner," she whined.

"Well… you showed up here last night drunk," he stated softly.

"Oh," she groaned out, pulling the blankets up over her head. It was the cutest thing he'd ever seen. "Did I do anything to embarrass myself?" She squeaked out.

John shook his head. "No," he lied through his teeth. "You just showed up here and passed out." If she couldn't remember then he wasn't going to embarrass her by telling her that she'd tried to have it on with him and that she'd gotten sick, too.

"I'm sorry," she mumbled, voice muffled by the covers.

"Don't be. You can pass out here any time." He chuckled.

"Jerk," she groaned out.

"Hey, be nice or you don't get the painkillers I smuggled outta the infirmary for you." He laughed, shaking his head in amusement when her hand shot out from beneath the blankets.

He could get used to this – not her hung-over, but having her in his bed.

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**Author's Note: So what did you think? So it wasn't overtly funny. But was it any way amusing? If you didn't like this one, I can scrap it and try again. **

**Also, the alien thing was the Anthosian wine... :)**

**Anyway, I'd like to hear your thoughts. Review please. :)**


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